To Calm A Morbid Fear

Today I read this story, it is a tragic one and one that I have thought about for a few days. It awakened a morbid fear that has often disturbed me, a fear which consumes me when I think of returning home to the country I love, my home — a home that is riddled with insecurity and many, many injustices.

Today, I find my comfort in this prayer.

Psalm 23

hope-cross1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD


~ by misswretched on January 28, 2009.

5 Responses to “To Calm A Morbid Fear”

  1. I can completely identify with that Morbid Fear however I am not sure I can identify about it returning home. In fact I have the complete opposite morbid fear. I fear that I shall never return home, Kenya will be a stranger to me and that my children will never know where I came from. There is something significant about having a home, a place you can always return to and I believe that you should whole heartedly cherish that. Sometime I feel that home is like a distant memory the more I try to grasp at it the faster it disappears. I hope that as you prepare yourselves for the next part of your life that you also rejoice on the significance of returning to a place that you have a sense of belonging.

  2. Thank you for your comment — I can totally relate with the morbid fear that you express, I suppose that is a fear I encountered many years ago when I first realized I did not want to live away from home forever. In many ways, I already feel estranged from Kenya — I have spent enough time away to feel that I have become so ‘Westernized’ that I even fear I may not be able to ‘fit in’ or survive long when I return. However, I feel like I need to make up for this by going back and re-connecting with that sense of home and belonging and everything that comes with it, so that me and my children will not lose sight of where we have come from. I know that many of us who have lived abroad feel like we have done so at the expense of our identities to some extent, a daunting thought.

  3. They don’t tell you that when you return, life will be different than when you first left. That you will never fully reconnect. That you – an African woman, educated to the nth degree, sophisticated, in love with Africa – will struggle to find your footing.Will struggle to find a man akin to you. Will speak boldly and your selfconfidence which comes of years abroad holding your own will work against you. That as desperately as you longed to return to Africa, you will long for the life you lived in the strange cold Western places you once despised. You will be a better person for your experience – a global citizen. But you will always be stuck BETWEEN until you make peace with your chosen space. Deliberately choosing to no longer be at war with your CHOSEN home.

  4. BTW couldn’t access the link from this post. i have only taken a stab at what the Morbid Fear might be.

  5. Thanks for a very insightful comment Cheryl. You have expressed some of my fears about returning home so eloquently. I am sure many other diasporans, particularly women, can relate.

    The link should be working, if not…search for “Cannibalistic Nation” on and you should find the item.

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